We loved seeing the pictures of the beautiful new royal baby Archie, but moments like these are always poignant when we think of the women who haven’t been lucky enough to have that moment. The women who have lost their baby. How do they cope with moments like these?
We don’t talk about baby loss nearly enough and so with this in mind we are extremely grateful to the following women for sharing their feelings and advice.
"Birth announcements have been extremely hard to read and look at since River has been born. Especially if they say “Mum and Baby doing well”. I’ve never got to write that. I’ve had one dead baby and one sick baby. When is my break? When is my “Mum and Baby doing well.” going to happen? When am I going to feel like I haven’t failed?"
"Trust me when I say the last thing anyone who has lost a child ever wants you to say is “I understand how you feel” or “I can kind of relate because…" That’s not me being rude, ungrateful or unkind to anyone; it is purely a fact, and one that I know to be true having spoken to so many of my friends who have also lost their babies or children. I know that everything in our human nature tells us we should try to understand, like we try to do in so many situations; but you really, truly can’t. Do you know something? I wouldn’t even want you to. I wouldn’t wish this pain, this strange reality that is life after child loss upon anyone."
"So many people have told me “you’re so strong.” Sometimes I want to punch them, but most of the time I just shrug and tell them that I don’t have any other choice. My husband repeatedly tells me that I do, in fact, have a choice. I could choose to stay in bed all day, but I get up and go to work instead. I could choose to cry and be angry all day every day, but I choose to press forward and embrace any emotion I feel, including happiness. I could hate every other woman that announces her pregnancy, but instead I think about how lucky they are that they get to experience a part of life that I loved so much."
"Life after loss is a daily struggle. A battle between my two lives, and who I have become. I feel grief and sadness every day. It’s different. It has shaped my entire life. It has changed me. It has changed my Husband. It has changed our entire universe, and every single person in our family–immediate or otherwise. Grief is the thief of joy even when everything in your life looks to be going so well…you still have a child who is dead. And some people just don’t seem to remember that."
"I really appreciated the messages and cards I received on Mother’s day and loved seeing Henry’s name written in Easter cards. It also means a lot being sent photos of Henry’s name written in the sand or snow, or receiving a message from someone telling me something that made them think of him that day, these gestures reassure me that Henry is remembered. If you know a bereaved parent don’t avoid talking about what happened to their child. Start the conversation and keep it going over time. Let them know you remember by speaking and writing their child’s name and including them however you can. Let’s break the silence around baby loss."
When you’re struggling to cope with your grief, don't suffer in silence. Tell people how you feel. You have the right to talk about your baby. Tommy's can help and so can lullabytrust.org.uk.
You’re not alone. You are loved and remembered and heard.
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